One.

I'm searching for something to call my own. Something I can do, and not worry about feeling like it needs to be better. Because it always need to be better, and I'm getting to that. It seems like everything I've claimed as my own has been taken by somebody who can do it better. Maybe, I think, they're doing it on purpose to make me feel bad about everything I do. I think maybe they don't want to hear what I have to say about things either, and maybe I'm right. Maybe its them who just won't admit to it.
I think I've always liked to write. Since I was little, when we would write in those journals that had the month on the front and lines with dots in the middle to help you write on the inside. My friend and I would always being playing all sorts of games, whether with Barbies, or outside in one of our yards. We were always someone else, and I think that's what started it for me. I didn't really get into it until the fourth grade, that's when I started writing. And I still have those notebooks. And I don't think I'll ever lose my passion for it, but I never finish any stories I start. I think I've finally figured it out. When I was eleven, and I was the only one of my friends who wrote, I liked it like that. I liked being the only one. And no, not to be "original" or an "individual". But because I didn't have to be out beaten. I know it's not a competition, I do. I really do. But I had this friend when I was eleven who decided she was going to start writing. And she made it a competition. Not with direct words such as "My story is better than yours." It was like this, "I've always loved to write." And I'd known this girl, she never wrote anything. So she started writing, and letting me read her stories. And they were always so good. It angered me, and that's how it was, and that's how I started worrying so much about losing my love for my writing. I know there's always someone better. I think it was the tone in her voice, and everyone else who tells me that they've been writing forever, that made it feel like some kind of competition. I hope I'm making sense. I hope you're still reading.

The same kind of goes with my art. I've never really been an artist, not a good one. I try though, because everyone in my family is. And most of my friends are in art, which really doesn't bother me. I know they're all better than me and there's no chance I'll ever be that good. But it's the way they talk, and how they act about their art. How they talk like they know everything about art, just because they're in art or something. And maybe they don't mean to sound like this, but they do. And it makes them sound cocky and ignorant. They talk like they're the best and they know everything, and their art is the best. And their art is good, but if they keep acting like this, it won't be anymore. I'm tired of getting that attitude from some people. I feel like I'm the only one willing to admit "hey I have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm going to try." It seems to me like they're just saying "I know what I'm doing, but who gives a shit? I'm good." I'm tired of that.

So what's left for me? I can't even have my own books. Everyone has to have those too. Where's my thing?
And I feel terrible, because I know my friends will read this. But I don't mean it offensively,or to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm just being honest for once. I'm just letting my feelings out. I just want people to understand. I just want someone to listen.

I know I over dramatize things, but it's just how I feel. This is the end for today.